Wednesday, April 21, 2010

My Funk

I have really been in a funk lately and I am struggling to get out of it. I remember feeling this same way last year while I was pregnant and didn't have a job. Up until this week, I hadn't felt nearly as bad about losing my job as I did last year (really...can anything beat being pregnant AND laid off?). But now that reality has set in and the to-do lists have begun (like packing up my classroom), I have come to an unhappy place.

Below is a picture of part of my classroom on Valentine's Day (it was all I could find)!
I am so trying to be present for my students who need me to be consistent and loving, but really the majority of my job duties fall when I'm not getting paid (all the lesson planning I do, classroom preparation, newsletters, extra projects, etc.) and I have NOT been able to muster the strength to do any of those things.
Of course the more depressed I get about the whole situation, the more I feel guilty. Mr. Howard and I have a great life. We're both healthy. We're blessed with an amazing child. We have a roof over our heads. We have been SO unbelievably blessed, both professionally and personally! So then I start to think, "what do I have to complain about?"
And then, to top it off, I have been sooo unhappy with my body. I never seemed to go back to my pre-pregnancy size and even though I'm fitting into most of my clothes, it's a MUCH different fit than it was before. Cue the guilt again! Because the reality is that I am still MUCH better off physically than a lot of people. Sure I have about 10 pounds that I could SERIOUSLY afford to lose, but the reality is that I am super healthy and active. A parent, at the beginning of the year, was talking to me about her weight struggles and I said something about not being able to lose the baby weight. She looked at me in utter shock and said, "well, for someone who is as tiny as you..." That may be the first time (in years) anyone has called me tiny, but it reminded me that I have a lot to be thankful for and perhaps I need to just find a way to not pick my body apart. But, How? Really? I signed up to birth a beautiful child. I knew that it would be painful when I signed up for that. I knew I'd probably not escape without some battle wounds (most likely in the form of stretchmarks). I did not, however, sign up to permanently add an extra layer around my mid-section.

Ahhh. I feel better just venting! Thanks for listening...the good, the bad, and the ugly, right?

1 comments:

Courtney said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Mrs. Howard....you are a wonderful mom, wife and teacher. I'm sorry you feel kinda cruddy and things arent going the way you want them too. I am happy to see you realize how lucky you are and appreciate the things you do have. I shouldnt even comment on the body situation, as my son is 4 1/2 and I still carry the weight I gained AFTER he was born (stupid hormones!)I just havent taken the time, or had the time to care enough I guess ;) to an outsider (not you), you look beautiful and have lost the weight appropriately. ((hugs))

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