Mr. Howard's best friend sent us this beautiful poem he wrote.
Oh little one, dear little one.
I know we haven’t metBut in the life you never had, just know we won’t forget.
You see, the love and joy that you brought, even though you weren’t quite there.
Will always be remembered, when I say my prayers.
...Today I pray for you, that your soul has found its place.
So when your family ages, and they have lived their lives.
They can meet you at the gates with God…. with a smile upon your face.
You’ll open up your loving arms, and wrap them with your wings.
Share with them a warm embrace and talk about the past.
Now as you watch over them, with a halo on your head.
I ask of you two little things.
That you guide them through a happy life and help them reach their dreams.
Casey, thank you! It's beautiful!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Mr. Howard's best friend sent us this beautiful poem he wrote.
Allison, Sara, Jen and I all met at the University of California, Irvine. Allison, Sara, and I were all in the same pledge class and joined Tri Delta together in 2001. Jen was already in the sorority and quickly became my best friend (and Big Sister).We all met Amy the following year when she began attending UCI and joined Tri Delta. I have been inseparable from these women since then. Of course we don't get to see each other often due to the pesky problem of our geographical locations, but these women mean more to me than I can list out. They were the first ones we contacted when we found out about Cole. They were the first ones to hop on planes to come out and see us, send flowers, or texts telling us how much they love us. They were the first ones we wanted to see when we made our impromptu visit out to Southern California. To say they are simply sorority sisters is an understatement. They are truly our extended family.
Of course, as we have all grown up, our friendship has extended to our significant others. Now among our fabulous group of friends: Joe and Kylie (Amy's extended family), Brett (Jen's family), Jack, Madison, & Jackson (Allison's family), Nate & Paige (Sara's family). Aren't we such lucky people?
Our main reason for visiting was to welcome the two newest additions to our Tri Delta Family: Paige and Jackson. You are just precious! We're so happy we could meet you!
For past visits & Old Photos of Us: April 2010, September 2009, May 2009, November 2008, June 2008. Each visit we make, our families continue to get bigger and bigger.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
We had such a fabulous time. Of course, it was bittersweet. In the back of my mind, I know that this trip is only happening because we aren't going to be welcoming Cole into the world properly in February. If he hadn't come early neither of us would have the time off. Of course he was there with us in spirit. I love you, Cole Jayden!
Monday, September 27, 2010
- First Disneyland Trip: September 27, 2010
- VERY First ride: Pirates of the Carribean
- Second ride: The Haunted Mansion
- Third ride: Astro Orbiter
- Other rides: It's a Small World & Innoventions
- Connor did a fabulous job and loved it! His favorite ride was by far It's a Small World. I will have to post an ADORABLE video soon!
- Rides Mama, Daddy, & Jen went on without Little Man: Space Mountain & Buzz Lightyear (Connor could have gone on Buzz, but he was asleep)
- Jen and I cried as we bought Mickey Ears for Cole to match his big brother's. I think the lady wanted to ask us what was wrong, but she didn't dare. Instead she just stared at us.
Everything is still so surreal.
I had a baby a week ago. I held him in my arms. I went to a funeral home days afterwards and had a memorial service for him 2 days ago. Wow!
Because everything has happened so quickly and life just keeps happening, despite my best efforts to slow it all down, there are some memories I do not want to forget.
We never got to hear Cole cry or watch him open his eyes, or see his first smile or coo, so we don't have a lot to definitively say, "Wow! That he got from Mama" or "Isn't he so like his big brother." But there is one thing that is completely definitively his Daddy and that is his nose. Before we had kids we'd joke that our kids better get my nose. We even remarked that Despite our best efforts, Connor lost the nose lottery. But, can I just tell you how precious Cole's nose was? Because he was so small, his rather large, incredibly adorable nose stood out like a sore thumb and I wouldn't have it any other way! I love that my kids are all Daddy because I think their Daddy is pretty darn adorable.
Another memory I have is from afterwards. After the birth. After the death. I told Mr. Howard before this all happened that I was so worried it would break us. His reaction to that was so genuine. After we walked out the doors to labor and delivery childless, he turned to me and told me he loved me. I know it seems so simple, but it isn't. Life is certainly not simple. Things happen that are soo complicated. Decisions are made that change people in an instant. For him to tell me he loved me after I had just given birth to a baby we had to send off to the morgue only four hours after looking at his face for the first time, may seem simple to someone else. But to me, it was ultimate forgiveness. Forgiveness for the decisions we made. Forgiveness for the words we said to each other after finding out. Forgiveness for being so smug about pregnancy and life in general. Forgiveness for thinking we were in control of our destiny. Forgiveness for being naive. Forgiveness for being human. Forgiveness for having our little one's heartbeat stop inside me. Forgiveness for being angry. Forgiveness for choosing me to marry and have a baby with. Forgiveness.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
If you take any lessons from our situation, it should be to do the things you've been waiting to do. On our waiting list: Waiting to go to Disneyland. Waiting to go to SeaWorld. Waiting to visit my brother in San Diego. Waiting to go back to Palm Springs. Waiting to visit Paige and Jackson (the newest Tri Delta babies). Waiting to visit our friends in Southern California. Waiting to spend time together. Waiting to take a family vacation just us!! And that's what we're going to do this week!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Yesterday I could barely get out of bed. I couldn't stop crying. I knew the obituary would be in the paper and I knew it would be tangible. Real. Today it was easier to wake up, maybe because Connor was crying on the baby monitor and I had a purpose. Maybe because I'm beginning to deal with it all.