Monday, September 27, 2010

A Couple Memories

Everything is still so surreal.

I had a baby a week ago. I held him in my arms. I went to a funeral home days afterwards and had a memorial service for him 2 days ago. Wow!

Because everything has happened so quickly and life just keeps happening, despite my best efforts to slow it all down, there are some memories I do not want to forget.

We never got to hear Cole cry or watch him open his eyes, or see his first smile or coo, so we don't have a lot to definitively say, "Wow! That he got from Mama" or "Isn't he so like his big brother." But there is one thing that is completely definitively his Daddy and that is his nose. Before we had kids we'd joke that our kids better get my nose. We even remarked that Despite our best efforts, Connor lost the nose lottery. But, can I just tell you how precious Cole's nose was? Because he was so small, his rather large, incredibly adorable nose stood out like a sore thumb and I wouldn't have it any other way! I love that my kids are all Daddy because I think their Daddy is pretty darn adorable.

Another memory I have is from afterwards. After the birth. After the death. I told Mr. Howard before this all happened that I was so worried it would break us. His reaction to that was so genuine. After we walked out the doors to labor and delivery childless, he turned to me and told me he loved me. I know it seems so simple, but it isn't. Life is certainly not simple. Things happen that are soo complicated. Decisions are made that change people in an instant. For him to tell me he loved me after I had just given birth to a baby we had to send off to the morgue only four hours after looking at his face for the first time, may seem simple to someone else. But to me, it was ultimate forgiveness. Forgiveness for the decisions we made. Forgiveness for the words we said to each other after finding out. Forgiveness for being so smug about pregnancy and life in general. Forgiveness for thinking we were in control of our destiny. Forgiveness for being naive. Forgiveness for being human. Forgiveness for having our little one's heartbeat stop inside me. Forgiveness for being angry. Forgiveness for choosing me to marry and have a baby with. Forgiveness.

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