Saturday, September 18, 2010

Thursday, September 16th

These posts are in reverse order. Scroll down and read the one titled 20 Week Ultrasound first.

In the morning I frantically called my OB's office and pleaded with them to move up my appointment from 4:10 that evening with a Nurse Practitioner to a morning time with an OB. They scheduled me a 9:50 appointment that morning. In the meantime, I received a phone call from my OB. She said she had just reviewed the radiologist's report, had looked at the ultrasound images, and asked me if we were doing okay. She apologized several times. I told her I didn't want to wait until Tuesday. She said she'd call a perinatologist and work her magic to get me some answers that day or the next.

We dropped Connor off next door and went to visit with the OB (not my OB, she was at Labor and Delivery). She came in the room and sat down with me. She said that she'd do another ultrasound to look at the baby. She said that the baby was in renal failure and that I didn't have enough fluid for the baby to survive.

She did the ultrasound and told us what she was looking at. She measured the baby's fluid and there were only 2 centimeters of amniotic fluid. I asked what "normal" was. She said 10. She showed us the cysts which were filling both kidneys. She told us the baby would not survive. She asked if we wanted to know what we were having. She told us it was a boy.

She began discussing our options...none of which I can even type out yet. None of them were choices I wanted to hear. I wanted Cole to be born a healthy baby boy. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and made the OB go over every single option a zillion times. I asked her questions until she had answered the same questions over and over. I told her I didn't want to make a decision. I told her I didn't want to be there. I pouted and cried some more. I asked Mr. Howard if God would hate us for inducing. I asked God to tell me what to do. I begged to not have to make a decision. I told the doctor that I didn't want to choose. I listened to the options again and decided the only option I could ever live with was the one where I delivered the baby and let God decide what to do. She cried with me. She said she'd call our OB and talk to her.

While she was waiting for our OB to call back, she got a fourth opinion from a perinatologist at the office. She looked at the ultrasound images and the radiologist's report and found something else that the geneticist hadn't put in her report. The baby had something which affected the flow from the umbilical cord (we were told the name of the condition...but I can't remember). This condition leads to stillbirth. We were told that the baby would pass away within hours or days inside my belly.

We were told that we should head to labor and delivery to deliver our beautiful baby boy. We came home, packed a bag, said goodbye to Connor, and handed everything over to my sister. We headed to lunch and then to the hospital.

It is odd to head to labor and delivery and check in for an induction, when you know that you will not be leaving with a baby. Everyone is so excited and wants to say their congratulations to you and instead we were talking to the admitting nurse about funeral arrangements. I had to fill in a check-in slip at triage. Where it said "due date" I left it blank. I didn't have the heart to write "February 5th" down and I didn't want to put something smart-ass in there like, "Doesn't matter!" With tears streaming down my cheek, I handed the check-in slip to her. She looked up. "You forgot to put your due date. What is it?" When I told her February, she looked back up at me. "I'm sorry, what day?" she said. I repeated myself and looked at Mr. Howard. "PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ANYTHING ELSE!!!" I thought while looking at my husband to deal with the woman at the counter. He stepped forward and said, "We already have a room. Our OB has called ahead. Can you please just tell us the room number?"

Our OB came in the room (thankfully she was there at the hospital that day) and went over everything with me. She again explained that she had looked at the ultrasound images, had discussed the findings with the radiologist & the OB we had seen at the office & and the perinatologist at her office. She explained again that the baby was in renal failure and that within hours or days we would have a baby inside me without a heartbeat because of the "mecal" something (can't remember the name of it) and because I had no fluid left. She told me she was so sorry. She explained how the induction would work and went over what I wanted to happen afterwards: did I want to hold the baby? Did we want to have a funeral? Did we want to bury the baby or did we want to cremate him? Did we have a name picked out? They have a photographer who will take photos for us, did we want that? Did we want a chaplain present? Did we want to bless the baby? And then she answered all my questions: would the baby have a birth certificate? How about a death certificate? What would the baby look like? Would the baby have a heartbeat when he was born? Would we be able to dress him in clothes? Did the hospital have clothes that would fit him? How long would we get with him?

Then they began the Misoprostal Induction and I am not ready to write the rest of the story.

1 comments:

LittleDreamer said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Words are useless. I'm in tears again and can't even imagine how anyone faces something like this. Your strength is truly an inspiration. You are all loved and though it may seem so are not alone; your family and friends stand beside you.

Beautiful name.

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