Monday, October 18, 2010

A Memory - Kicks

I had been feeling Cole kick for a few weeks (maybe from about 18 weeks), but it wasn't until the night before my 20 week ultrasound that Mr. Howard was finally able to feel them. In fact, the night we had the ultrasound, while we were praying, Mr. Howard had his hand on my belly and looked right at me, "Is he kicking?" he asked. I have never been so happy to be jabbed in my belly!!!

I am so incredibly thankful Mr. Howard was able to meet Cole before we met him under very different circumstances. I'd like to think it was Cole's way of saying, "Hi Daddy!" before we got the horrible news. And maybe it is. But I also know that as I was losing fluid and as he was getting bigger, there was less room for him to move around comfortably.

While I was in labor, I could feel him moving. I could feel every kick. When my water broke, I could feel everything even more. Every kick, I announced to Mr. Howard so that he could quickly touch him. We knew that it would be the last time we'd feel him move. Ever.

When the contractions got intense and I was hysterically sobbing - for more reasons than just the pain, I remember turning to my husband and sadly announcing that I no longer felt Cole. I knew. At that point I knew that when he joined the world, he'd be sleeping. Up until that point they had told us that he might have a heartbeat. He might join us awake. But I knew. That is why when I asked the nurse, who lovingly had him under the warmer after he was born, if he was born with a heartbeat (thereby determining whether I'd be walking out of the hospital with a birth certificate), and she told me that he had not, I was not surprised. Sad, but not surprised. Heartbroken, but not surprised.

And that's how it all is for me. A happy memory with a sad.

Give me strength to get through the day today!


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Hope you had an okay day today and that you have an even better one tomorrow!!! I'll be saying an extra prayer for you tonight. Stay strong my friend and remember He cares...He really take it all to Him.

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