Thursday, November 11, 2010

Such is Grief


If I could update my facebook status with how I'm really feeling, instead of the cute little snippets of life we all include, it'd be "Mrs. Howard is grieving, terribly."

Each day seems so different.

Such is grief.

There are days when I wake up and think about dishes and cleaning and how I'm going to explain essential and non-essential modifiers to my 7th graders. But today I woke up and felt empty. My belly is empty. How did that happen? My baby came too soon. How did that happen? My pregnant friends are feeling kicks, getting ultrasound photos, finding out the gender of their babies, and having their baby showers. And I held my dead baby in my arms and planned his funeral. How did that happen?

"I am lost inside a broken heart."

Such is grief.

Everyone has moved on. And I haven't. How did that happen?

I act strong. I talk about him constantly. I think about him 50 times a day. I cry in the shower. I pray and pray and pray and pray that I'll wake up. I pray even harder that I won't. I want him back. I don't want to be told that this was meant to be. I don't want to be told that he's in a better place.

Such is grief.

On Monday I would have been in my third trimester. Instead I'm empty and sad.

**I had a great cry and feel a lot better! I guess I just need you to know that while I act strong, I am human.**

4 comments:

Nina said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

You are still on my heart daily, and I often pray for you in moments of the day when I still expereince grief from losing my dad. They have become opportunities to pray for healing for myself and for you, my friend, so that you may find moments of joy in your sorrow. It is a process...and 10 years later I can attest to that. Truth...it never gets easy, just...different. My prayers for you...just keep breathing and living and surviving.

Know that you are still on our hearts. xoxo

Lindsey said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Amen my friend. Grief is HARD work. I had one of those "bad days" today...so tired (emotionally and physically). Hope you had a much better day today. And just remember that our Father promises to turn every single one of our sorrows into JOY!!! Hold tight to that!!!

courtney said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I have a book suggestion whenever you are ready. My therapist suggested it. We can do it together. Thinking of you 4 always.

Katie Taylor said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love you Jackie! Just know you can always talk to me about what your feeling! Call me anytime!

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