Friday, December 31, 2010

Confessions of a Mommy and Wife...

I have started this blog countless times and haven't found the right way to blog what I'm feeling. Instead of doing my normal blog style, I'm going to give snippets:

  1. I've cried in the car over Cole...something about all the time to think in the car.
  2. I was supposed to be 8 months pregnant at Christmas with Cole and I'm sad about it.
  3. What I've gone through has hardened me in a way I am SO not proud. When I hear of other people's tragedies, instead of feeling an enormous sense of compassion, my first thoughts are, "You have no idea!" I absolutely, unequivocally hate this and want it to change. I wonder if friends who've experienced much more difficult things think this about what I've gone through.
  4. I have been robbed of a blissful pregnancy. Never again will I blindly trust and for that I am angry.
  5. I am so in love with my husband.
  6. We are going to have an amazing year. I am 100% confident of this.
  7. Despite the "grief from the depths of my soul" feeling, I am so wonderfully happy and blessed. I honestly cannot complain about my life. To have had the blessings of the most wonderful pregnancy that ended in a beautiful, healthy little boy is no small thing.
  8. I haven't cried over Connor since he was little (and I was hormonal)... until this week. This week I got my first glimpse of that stage everyone calls the terrible twos. He grabbed hold of my hair and pulled as hard and as menacingly as he possible could. I swear I saw something in his eyes. He then went over to the dogs and smacked them as hard as he possible could, repeatedly. He came back over to me and hit me, just for good measure. I tried a zillion different strategies: compassion, firm voice, grabbing him and holding him (a sort of time out), ignoring him, crying (this doesn't work...he thought I was laughing), yelling (yep, not proud of this), and all sorts of other things I thought I'd never do as a mom. I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY/HOW IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE A BABYSITTER....until today. The reason you can stay calm when you're a babysitter is because you know it'll pass. When you're a mom, you know it will pass, but these unbelievably strong feelings of "What if he's a terror and turns out to be the terribly behaved child that I've always prayed I don't have?!?" and "I'm the worst mom in the whole wide world" and "I'm sure other moms have raised their kids to have compassion and Connor is the only child in the whole world ever who has looked like the devil" and "I don't want to yell, but I can't stop" and "I know that this isn't working, but other moms know exactly what to do and how to do it!" Of course, as I sit here typing this, I know none of this is true. I know I'm doing the best I can. But in the moment when your child is smacking you in the face, you feel like a failure. Any other moms relate to this?
  9. I got several inches taken off my hair and had my hair blowdryed and I feel AMAZING.
  10. My husband doesn't know this, but I fully plan on leaving him for a few hours tomorrow with Connor by himself so that I can get a mommy break. I know I get more mommy breaks than most and I should feel guilty about this. But I really don't.
  11. Whenever I can't have something, it is suddenly ALL I think about. It is ridiculous. It reminds me of when I have a cold and can't breath from my nose. I dream about how lucky I was when I was able to breath and how I can't believe I took it so for granted. And how if I could breath through my nose I would savor every tiny breath....mmmm....innnnn and oooouuutttt.
  12. It is 8:00am and Connor is still sleeping and for that I am so grateful.
  13. You know how people say that when they first saw their child they were instantly 100% in love and had never known love like that? I didn't feel that way. I loved Connor immensely, incredibly more than my friends. But I love my husband in an equally powerful, yet oh-so-different, way. But what has surprised me, is that I didn't know I could love Connor more than I did that first day I held him. It's ironic that on a day when he can so fully shake me to my core with feelings of mommy failure, that I can also look at him and think, WOW!!! I LOVE YOU INFINITELY MORE THAN I DID 17 MONTHS AGO WHEN I HELD YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME. How much more will I love him in 10 years? Incredible that our hearts are capable of this and yet why does it surprise me? I love my husband infinitely more than I did 10 years ago.
  14. You know how people say when they go through tragedy, "It brought us so much closer..." Well, if I'm being really honest, there was a time when I thought our tragedy would cause our divorce. We grieved so differently, that I thought it couldn't possibly work out. While I obviously never admitted that at the time, I am happy to say, that it definitely HAS brought us so much closer. We are the only two people to have had OUR experience.
  15. We are so blessed to have the friends and family we do in our life. I do not take for granted how much more difficult all this would have been without you all.
  16. I pray every night to be better - a better mommy, a better wife, a better friend. And I pray that I'll be whole some day.
Thank you for letting me honest. I am lucky to have my online friends who read this blog too. It's nice to feel supported in a community of bloggers.

Any confessions you want to add?


LittleDreamer said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Regarding #3: In some sense I do understand. Although we all deal with hurt, pain, grief, etc in different ways it's natural to carry on an internal conversation when people discuss their "issues." Mine usually go something like this: "You're kidding me? You have no idea what I'm going through. I'm crying inside, can't talk about, barely holding myself together, and you're complaining about that?" Mark of a true friend, having thoughts like that. (sarcasm intended)

In some ways dealing with my own problems, whether it be a family crisis or parents hospitilization, has made me more sensative to others needs. But than I have that moment of, "And you think YOU have problems?"

NO ONE truly understands unless they walk in our shoes. This makes more sense to me now than ever before. But it also doesn't make the challenge any easier.

Enjoy your mommy day!!!!

courtney said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I have to agree with the above poster, and you. No matter what we are going through, we always think there is no one else who can truly understand, and when people go on and on about something so small to us, we tend to think "really? seriously?" I have done that many times. I even did it FOR you in the last few months. Listening to someone complain about a pregnancy symptom, took all I had to not say something in support of you (and even me, just years removed)
#14- So true. This was YOUR experience and no one can ever really get it. Filip and I practically started our relationship with a pregnancy loss. I said back then if we could get through that so early in the story of US, we could get through anything. God certainly has tested that statement a few times, but in the end, it has made us stronger people, stronger partners, lovers, friends and parents. I'm glad you are feeling stronger together.
As if this isnt long enough, since you mommy confession is: I cannot stand the sound of my daughters cry. Never could. How lame is that? Since the moment she was born, I felt the elation in hearing her immediate cry (as her birth followed an early 2nd trimester loss) but then I think I seriously asked my hubby to hush her. There is something in the pitch of her cry that just doesnt agree with my ears. But I love her to pieces and would go to any depths to make her smile and happy. Her smile and laugh melts me. Ok, going to crawl under a bridge with other trolls now :/

Nina said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I find it interesting that #3 struck a chord with more than just me. I too am guilty of hearing about people who have cancer and thinking, "Oh yeah. Cancer. My dad is dead because of that. Sucks, huh?" That sounds SO AWFUL. But it runs through my head. SO NOT the compassionate being I want and hope to be. I have to work on it all the time and remind myself to empathize and be positive that their experience could have a happier ending. And that it is a GOOD thing that other people's Dad's survive it. You are not alone friend.

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