Thursday, March 31, 2011

Not Good

Well, today we received some not so good news. It turns out what the doctors originally thought was a dark spot that had nothing to do with the kidneys, does in fact have to do with the kidneys. It turns out Aiden has an entire kidney filled with cysts.

Wow. So many emotions. So many questions. So many "why's." Everything was so different with Cole. With Cole, while we felt like we had choices, in the end we knew God had made up his mind. We knew Cole would not survive. He was in renal failure. His kidneys were both filled with cysts and were not functioning. It was only a matter of hours or minutes.

This is different. There is hope, but with hope comes fear...comes uncertainty...comes a false sense of control. I am kind of holding it together and kind of a wreck and a whole lot of "all over the place." So bear with me as I try to give you a sense of what this all means.

What this means for Aiden: It could mean nothing. You can function with only one kidney. But it's still early and there is a possibility that Aiden could develop cysts in the other kidney and lose function. Of course, the other possibility is that he is born with absolutely no health problems whatsoever.

One of my first questions was if this means, now given this new information, that I most likely have polycystic kidney disease (a genetic disease they believed I did not have). The answer to that was basically that they could not answer the question. When I clarified, "Given the fact that I have now had two children with cysts in their kidneys and the fact that I have two small cysts in one of my kidneys, is it likely that I have polycystic kidney disease?" The doctor said, "That would be a logical assumption." Neither the geneticist, nor the perinatologist would give me any definitives, but let's be honest here, it isn't looking good.

This leads me to Aiden, Isabella, and Connor...if I have polycystic kidney disease and it is genetic, they have a chance of having it as well. Connor will need to be tested (I asked for Connor to have an ultrasound on his kidneys). Isabella will need to be monitored. Aiden may have to have surgery, dialysis, or worse.

I know I will go through a million and five emotions, but right now I am angry. Very. I was convinced that this was behind us. And having lost a baby before, it is virtually impossible for me to not go there with Aiden and that isn't fair to him.

What I'm about to write, I will write because it is what I am feeling. But I will definitely erase it when Aiden joins us and is beautiful and healthy. I actually asked Mr. Howard whether or not we should buy a second crib. I so do not want to go there, but how do you not?

Lots of prayers please!


courtney said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

we love you and are here for you no matter what. stay as positive as you can. easier said than done...believe me I know. no one would think less of you if you didn't buy a 2nd crib right now...but not because he won't make it, but because twins like to be together in the beginning and it is a proven fact that they sleep better when placed in the same hold off until they are a bit older, not to mention they will be in a bassinet when they first come home anyway!! =)

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I will be covering your family and Baby Aiden in my prayers over the next several months. We had a scare with Cayden when I was carrying him too, and all the emotions you are feeling are normal! Hugs and Prayers! May God give you some peace.

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Christina said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm so sorry. I will definitely be praying.

Jess said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Praying...led to your blog through A Love Worth Waiting For. Trust God. Have faith. He can heal.

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