Friday, April 22, 2011

Cole Jayden

A lot of people have been making comments about our family lately. They'll say things like, "_____ is having twins and has one boy already. So she'll have three little ones." Our pediatrician, whom we LOVE, said, "Do you want more kids?" When I said that I was done having babies, he said "Three is a perfect number." Strangers will ask me if this is my first pregnancy, when they find out I am having twins. I will say that it is my third pregnancy, which always leads them to counting in their head and the proclamation, "Wow! So you'll have four kids two and under!" And when I say that I have one boy in heaven, they clarify..."Oh so you'll have three babies!"

It's insane how I never thought about women who have babies in heaven before. No. I will not have three babies. I am not a mom of three. Three is not a perfect number. We have four babies and I am a mom of four. I know wholeheartedly that people don't mean any harm when they make comments. I know they don't know any different and to be honest, I don't know that I wouldn't have been one of those people two years ago.

I have become a whole lot more comfortable sharing a tiny bit of my story with strangers. After all, a mom who lost a son told me, "what do you care what they think anyway?" If I make them feel uncomfortable, so what? Inevitably someone will say to me after they find out that it was not through fertility treatments and we don't have twins in the family, "Wow! Did you die when you found out you were having twins? Did you have to pick your husband off the floor? Did you cry?" And my answer has become my way of talking about Cole. "Actually, we lost our son in September. So we believe it is divine that a few short months later we were pregnant with twins."

My goal in writing this blog has always been first and foremost to document my life for my family - to keep a scrapbook for Connor, my future babies, and my husband. But the special, unexpected outcome has also been a way for me to share my story about loss. Perhaps I can give women and men (but let's be honest...mostly women read my blog) a fresh perspective about what it's like to lose a baby. And perhaps, I can help them to say the right thing if ever they have a friend who goes through something like this. Because at the end of the day, we all want to say the right thing. We want the magic words to ease the suffering of our friends and because we so want to say the perfect thing, we say the thing that hurts the most (at least you have another can just try least it happened earlier in the pregnancy...) instead of the words that we all pray someone will say (I love you. I'm sorry. This sucks. How much did he weigh? Whose eyes did he have? Who is he named after? When is his birthday?). Really what we want is to know that our babies are not forgotten, that our role as their mother is not forgotten, and that someone, somewhere in the world thinks it all sucks too.

While I've been thinking of my baby boy, I have been really trying to come up with ideas about what I can do to honor Cole on his birthday this fall. I have a bunch of thoughts, but the one idea that seems to continue to percolate in my brain (don't you love the word's such an underused word) is to do something for the hospital or the NICU. I'll keep you updated about what I decide!


Kelli Kegley said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I'm so glad you posted this. You're right..we do want to know the right thing to say, so I appreciate you being so raw and honest!

courtney said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

We would love to help you guys celebrate Cole's birthday! Anything you need, just ask!! But we fully understand if you guys need it to be a more private celebration for his first birthday.
You guys are such amazing parents.

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