Sunday, September 4, 2011


Cole has been on my heart lately. I absolutely cannot believe it has almost been a year since I held my baby. I feel like it was just yesterday. I looked at his photo a few days ago and my heart just melted. I know I've mentioned this struggle before, but to wish for him, means wishing to not have the twins. I would have only been 28 weeks pregnant with Cole when I found out I was pregnant with Aiden and Isabella.

It is difficult to put into words what it's like to lose a child, how unnatural, and how painful it is. I sometimes wish I could explain it better, but how do you explain pain? I so often hear, "I could never...I don't know how you do it." And my response is always the same. I didn't think I could do it either. But you do. You have to! What choice do you have? In our case we had Connor too and there was no way I could hole myself up in my room for a month. My life had to go on...for Connor, for Cole, for my husband...I had no choice. And, because I believe in a higher power...because I believe there is a plan for my life, I decided that living was better than taking my own life.

And then eight weeks later the most miraculous thing happened. On the day that I should have entered my second trimester with Cole...the day I should have been celebrating a wonderful pregnancy milestone...I found out I was pregnant with twins. We didn't have a family history of fraternal twins; I'm not 35 or older; and we didn't use any medicine or infertility treatments. I think my husband (someone who has often questioned the existence of a higher power) said it best, "How could we NOT believe in God after this?"

Despite our family miracle and our precious two bundles of joy, I still question why we couldn't have it all. Why couldn't we have our entire family here with us? We could have made it work. We would have made it work. It would have been hard, but we are strong.

And that's where I live the why couldn't we have Connor, Cole, AND the babies.


Courtney said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

oh my beautiful friend. Filip and I were talking the other day about dates and anniversaries and how insane it would be, had our first angel stuck with us, she would have just turned 11. But had she been here, Taylor wouldn't be, maybe none of our kids would be. Even though she was one of my earlier gestation losses, she is the one I think about the most. Not sure why. Filip thinks about her the most too. We wonder where out lives would have taken us with her...but to think that, to go there, means we would not have ANY of our kids. You are right, there is a higher power. There IS a meaning in it, no matter how much we do not want to see it. I cannot and shouldn't even begin to speculate what Cole's purpose was, but I believe he had one. It may not even be clear yet, but will become clear with time. Maybe you won't find out until you join him. But it is almost a neat thing, wondering what our girl, or your boy were given to us and taken from us to teach us. What their lesson for us was. But no matter what, we have some pretty amazing and beautiful angels watching us, and waiting for us to be with them again someday.

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