Sunday, September 11, 2011

Farewell Breastfeeding

*DAD/Other potential male blog readers...don't read this!*

When I had Connor I was a little more reserved on this blog. I didn't tell it like it was, partly because I didn't really know what I knew (I was kinda just surviving) and partly because I wasn't sure what people wanted to hear. Now, I have a little more confidence and I certainly know why I write this blog: for me, for my family, and for the memories. Having a firm focus makes sharing more personal details easier for me.

I haven't been quiet about my love of breastfeeding and my struggle with it. I remember quite clearly telling someone that I couldn't make enough milk, with Connor, and having that person look at me like I was crazy - like I was making it up. I also remember clearly when my sister told a friend that I was done nursing (at 6 months) because I couldn't make enough milk and she asked indignantly, "Well did she see a lactation consultant?" As women, we judge other moms so much, don't we? Why? Is it out of fear? Are we petrified someone else will see our flaws and think, God forbid, that we aren't good moms? Or is it just ignorance? Do we think that because something comes easy to us, that it must to everyone? Or that because our baby did something (e.g. latched well in breastfeeding) that it must mean we did something right (of course this logic implies that when babies don't do something -like latch well-, it must mean that a mom did something wrong)?

Yes. I saw a lactation consultant when I was nursing Connor. And I saw three with the twins: one in the hospital and two after leaving. I wish I was one of those mamas who made enough milk - dare I wish to even make EXTRA milk. You know what the biggest bummer of all is? I absolutely, wholeheartedly adore it! I think there is nothing more wonderful or special!! I have only had one clogged milk duct and never mastitis or any other infections. I've never had a single bad experience. It is truly the most joyful experience for me. I never even had pain, like a lot of moms will say with freshly hatched babes (well, minus the time Connor bit me...yeah, men, you have no idea what we go through for our babies...wait...didn't I tell you not to read this post?!?).

So, you're wondering, where is she going with this? Well, today is a sad day for me because this weekend I stopped nursing. You want to know the most ridiculous thing of all, I actually am on the verge of tears about the whole thing. To think that I will never again nurse a baby is just the saddest thing of all. But in terms of practicality, it did not make sense to pump and pump and pump and hardly even make a single bottle (for a whole day). It took me a whole week to make one bottle last week. So, I have nursed my last baby and will now, GASP, have to actually focus on weight loss in a sort of diet/exercise way. Ugh! I'm trying to stay focused on the fact that I had babies who were in the NICU and I was able to provide them milk long enough to help them gain weight...plus, let's be real... two months with two babies is still an amazing feat (is there some sort of twin rule where I can tell people I ACTUALLY breastfed for twenty weeks: 2 babies x 10 weeks =20?)

I hope when I'm out and I give my babies a bottle, no one will judge me. I'm sure someone still will. And I'm sure when someone asks (hey I've been asked weirder questions...when I was pregnant some man asked me if I planned on having a vaginal birth...um, hello inappropriate!) and I tell them I wasn't able to make enough milk, someone will look at me like, "oh suuuuureee....she just didn't try hard enough." But I'm okay with that. Because I know...and now you know...how hard I tried to feed my babies and how much I didn't want it to end.

On a lighter, much more personal note, I'm sure my husband is thrilled that my breasts will no longer belong to the babies. Hehe! Is that inappropriate to say? Well, I'm just saying what he's thinking...

2 comments:

Su said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

<3 Oh my gosh. You literally just made me spit out the soda I was sipping with your last lines. I heart your honesty! <3

Courtney said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

haha!! love the last lines too. People look at me like I'm a nut when I tell them I couldn't breast feed Taylor because my milk NEVER came in. I think you are a hero for giving it a go and going for 2 months. Don't ever feel bad and screw those who judge you for it! You are an awesome mama! Excpet when standing on the coffee table apparently!

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