Sunday, September 11, 2011

September 11, 2001 - Ten Year Anniversary

September 11th is one of those days I will never forget. I can remember everything vividly. I was home, about ready to leave for college; I got a call from Mr. Howard telling me what had happened; I watched the footage mesmerized, as I saw the second plane hit in front of my own eyes; I got a call from the woman I worked for asking me to come in (I was a nanny) because one of the kids had to go to the hospital and she needed me there; I remember thinking we're under attack...how can I leave?

I remember being glued to the screen and being so sad. In the days afterwards, I remember feeling this amazing sense of pride in my country as I watched men and women giving up everything to go to New York to help try to find bodies and help the survivors.

But it wasn't until the first September 11th after I had Connor that I was able to grasp it all. For me, becoming a mom changed everything. I have all these memories of watching the hours and hours and hours of footage the days and weeks after it happened. And now I can't even watch it for a minute. I burst out into tears, because the pain is so unimaginable. For me, becoming a mom meant feeling that enormous, overwhelming sense of worry about something happening to your baby and when I think about 9-11 and all those parents wondering if their children were alive and all those kids wondering if Daddy was coming home, it takes on a new meaning and a new overwhelming sense of sadness.

And it wasn't until today, after having lost my son last year, that I can even begin to fathom the amount of healing and grief these families have had to endure. I had Cole for 6 months in my belly. I never saw him laugh. I never saw his first smile. I never shared dinners with him or read him bedtime stories. And it has taken me a year to get to the point that I'm at now, in a place of healing. These folks held their kids in their arms and saw them laugh. They saw their first smiles and shared countless dinners and good conversations. Husbands took vows with wives and years later watched as the plane hit the very building their partner worked in - all the while praying Please, PLEASE, don't let that be the floor she worked in. These people were robbed and their lives stolen from them and their families. And regardless of whether you believe they went to a better place and had a bigger purpose, their lives on earth were cut way too short. And for that, I grieve.

So today I will say a prayer for all the people who lost loved ones and hope that one day they will get to give each other hugs in Heaven. I know, for me, knowing I will get to one day scoop Cole up in my arms and give him an infinite amount of kisses is what keeps me moving forward and allows me to step outside of my grief.

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