Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Will it get easier?

I have been thinking..rather dreading... ever since summer started about Cole's birthday in a few weeks. Maybe some day it will feel like a celebration, but now it doesn't. I thought that when I got pregnant again, his birthday would be easier - but I actually had a SIGNIFICANTLY harder time dealing with his birthday than I did most of the days right after he actually passed away. It was hard. As in gut wretching, sitting on my kitchen floor bawling, could barely open my eyes to even find the kleenex, ugly, ugly, UGLY cry. It was bad. And I was trying to take care of our, at the time, two-year-old who thank goodness didn't totally get what was going on. It was a serious mental breakdown and I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle that again.

Picture Below: Cole's First Birthday

Ever since last September 17th, I have really thought about what I need to do differently for myself this year. (1) I am taking the day off of work. I'm calling it a personal/mental health day and I'm going to do something that doesn't involve having to peel me off of the kitchen floor this year. (2) My goal is to grieve, but maybe spend a little time celebrating his existence and maybe do something that will replace my overwhelming grief with something that will make me smile - make Cole smile in Heaven.

While I know I'm going to do things differently, it has still sent me into a tailspin of fret. Am I going to be okay this year? Am I going to be able to parent my three-year-old and one-year-olds? Will this get easier? And that question keeps resonating in my mind...will it get easier?

It seems, logically, that as time passes, it SHOULD get easier. But will it? Does it ever get easier to "celebrate" a birthday for a baby you never got to hear laugh, or never  got to watch blow out his candles, or never nursed while rocking him in your arms? All the "nevers" are the things that I get hung up on, especially on his birthday. Sometimes it's hard to focus on all the wonderful things we DID get to do, that so many others DON'T get to do. We were able to hold him, name him, get footprints and handprints of him, dress him, photograph him, sing to him and pray for him, send out birth announcements for him, cremate him, and take him home with us. And for that, I try really hard to be grateful.

I know we're blessed. Infinitely. So many husbands and wives pray for one healthy baby and we have three. But someone said it best when they said to me, "If you lost your mom, would you not grieve simply because your dad was still alive?" My other children do not, can not, ever replace Cole and that is why it's so hard.

So, this year I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for survival. I'm praying that my husband does not have to pick me up off the floor and tell me to be present in my other kids' lives. And mostly, I'm praying that Cole looks down on us and feels as honored that we are his parents, as we are that he is our son.

11 comments:

Ashley said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Erik's birthday is Saturday - his 8th, but 3rd in Heaven. I'm still struggling with celebrating a day when the guest of honor isn't present.

I'll be praying for you as Cole's birthday approaches.

Megan said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Saying prayers for you! Grieve for your Cole the way you need to - he is your child and he is loved.

My name is Heather. said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

we just celebrated the triplets first birthday. i feared it for a while. i still can't believe it's been a whole year. i had a bakery make cupcakes, and we bought 3 presents. one girl themed, 2 boy themes, and took them up to the hospital the night before. i wanted the gifts given to the first girl and first 2 boys born on their birthday. the cupcakes were for the nurses. a thank you/celebrate with us kind of gesture. then on their birthday, yesterday, we went to the children's museum for my 2 year old, and then we went out to lunch. we had dinner at home and then sang happy birthday and had cupcakes out by their memorial stone in our front yard. we broke down a few times, but it was an overall beautiful day. we kept busy because i knew if i didn't i would be that puddle on the floor.

i'll be praying for you, and your family. i only just got through my first, but i KNOW it's going to be hard every year.

Kristy said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I have no idea how hard birthdays are yet but I can imagine that come next March I will also be a bawling mess. Praying for you as his birthday approaches.

Courtney said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

We are here for you in any way that you need. I will make sure my day is clear if you need anything at all...even if it is another box of kleenex. You can celebrate and grieve at the same time. Celebrate those things you did get with him and grieve the things you didnt and dont get with him. No one can tell you how to grieve, or how long to grieve. Your emotions are your own.

If you want a cake or cupcakes for Cole and your family I will totally do that for you as our gift to his memory and to you guys for as many years as you want me to.

Page Cole said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Yes, I agree with others that your grief it yours to express in any way necessary. Praying for you.

~Erin said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Im sending you a GIANT Hug right now. I know that probably doesnt mean much in the scheme of things but just know you have a lot of people who care and are thinking of you and your family at this time. I wish I could take just an ounce of pain away from you. I really hope that this year is easier for your grief. I know in my hear that Cole is proud you all are his parents and that he is smiling down on you all from heaven. :)

The Smiths said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

That must be so hard. I'm praying for you.

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Well said!!! Hugs!

Tesha said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

One thing is for sure, in my mind that Cole is indeed smiling down on you my friend. He is blessed to be so loved by his family. I have not reached one year yet, I still have kitchen floor moments and my husbands scoops me up and reminds me the same thing. As far as it getting easier I just don't know I know our love for them will never fade, I hope with each passing year we can rejoice over them a litter more and look forward to a heavenly reunion with them filled with hope. Praying for you as the day draws near, thank you for sharing your heart with us.

mom2tsgck said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I love the gift idea that Heather posted. I've had friends that let off balloons, and others that had a party - everyone is different. Whatever you choose, prayers are with you!

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