Tuesday, October 2, 2012

These days go by so fast

We went to a BBQ on Saturday afternoon and there was a 3-month-old swinging quietly in a chair. The parents were running around, laughing with their friends, eating and swimming. At first, I was nostalgic: "I remember the days when I could set my kids down and not have to watch them and I could still run around and socialize. I MISS that." And then it hit me, standing right there, that someday I'd be nostalgic about running after my kids in toddlerhood, busy, busy, busy. And then someday after that, I'd be nostalgic about my kids being teenagers...and then...
 
We, as moms and dad, (and just humans in general) are always having the "if-I-just-make-it-through-this" moments. If I just make it through this busy time at work...if I just make it through my kids waking up 3 times a night...if I just make it through these temper tantrums...if I just make it through this rough patch in my marriage..." that we sometimes forget to be thankful and grateful for the moments we're in. I've done a lot more smelling the roses since Cole passed away. People want to say, "Oh my goodness, it must be SOO hard having three kids under three" and it always confused me. Sure it's hard. But it's way more rewarding than it is hard. But even though I feel blessed. Even though I rarely get overwhelmed in stress like I did when it was just Connor. Even though I know what a blessing it is to have kids to worry about...I do still catch myself saying, "If I could just go to a party and have my kids play on their own, so I could have some adult conversations occasionally, I would FEEL so much better." 
 
But the reality is that there are always going to be "If I could just..." moments. There is always going to be something I have to look forward to. But if I spend all my time thinking about getting through something, what am I going to do when I look back and see that my entire life I was just waiting for the next thing to happen. I was never just at peace with the stage we were in. Wouldn't that be a sad place to be?
 
 I am trying to feel at peace with missing parties because, instead, I'm chasing around three kids
(who, by the way, insist on going THREE different directions!!!)
 I'm trying to remember what it feels like to have such little kids - kids who don't have preconceived notions about the world, kids who don't have a chip on their shoulder, or any burdens to bear...
 I'm trying to sing and dance in the moments I feel overwhelmed with responsibility and remember that your kids only learn to walk once...
only say their first words once...
and only require absolute undivided attention at parties for a few years...
 I'm trying to remember that someday it won't be cool to sit on Daddy's lap at parties...
or search for worms in the flowerbeds...
Or tell daddy secrets whispered across friends' backyards...
 I'm trying to remember that Aiden will only want to be held and cuddled for a couple more years and then we'll be called "Dad" and "Mom" instead of "Daddy" and "Mama!"
 I'm trying to remember that there will come a time when our presence will no longer be craved and desired...but instead embarrassing and a nuisance.
 ...and things like balloons and Nana's who want to cuddle will be so boring...
I'm trying to remember to be grateful for the hard parts of motherhood and life - because those are the moments that someday I'll look back and be nostalgic about. 

1 comments:

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