Friday, January 4, 2013

So there it is. The unpretty.

**I have been clicking "save" on this post instead of "publish" for a while. I just wasn't sure I wanted to put such raw emotions out there. But the reality is that I'm sure some of you can relate. Maybe not with the losing a child part or about the moving part, but about how grief can come up at the most inopportune times.**

There is something about moving that is bringing up all these unresolved feelings for me.

In packing, I knew I was going to come across all of Cole's things...the beautiful gown he wore at the hospital...the rose he held in his pictures...the cards all our friends and family wrote to him. I knew it. I prepared myself for it. I told myself not to cry - just to pack the boxes and think about it later. But, it was too much. I had to open the box, hold the gown, touch the rose. And then I tried to talk myself into letting it go, "Come on. You have a lot to pack. Get moving. You don't have time to break down. Not today. You can break down AFTER you move."

Have you ever tried to talk yourself down from having a mental breakdown? I'd love to know if it ever works for you. For me? Never. The more I try NOT to cry, the more I cry.

Definitely unpretty.

So there I was packing boxes, willing myself not to cry, and crying, and then getting mad at myself for wasting valuable packing time. And then it hit me. I was going to have to pack my son in a box. In. A. Box. I was literally going to have to pack his urn in a moving box amongst the other boxes that held our cleaning supplies...towels...books...and kitchen utensils.

Let me tell you, I am a strong girl. I can do a lot of things. And I can usually do them with a smile on my face. I can see the good in a lot of things. I can find blessings in the things that some cannot. And I honestly believe that I am a better person for having known and lost Cole, however much I wish it to not be true. But, this...THIS rocked me to my core.

I could not...would not pack him in a box.

So, there it is. The unpretty.

I still don't know what I'm going to do. He will not be going in a box amongst our possessions, but where will we put him? My darling husband (always the soft, sensitive, loving husband that he is...) said I am free to do what I feel comfortable with, as long as it does not involve buckling him in the car. He said that would be crossing the line. I told him that because he suggested it, I think I might just go ahead and do that. Is it weird that that is the only suggestion that while simultaneously sounding ridiculous, gives me some peace? I know I shouldn't admit that...but when I decided to write about Cole, I vowed to myself and to other babyloss Mamas that I would honor my feelings - the good, bad, unpretty, and sad.

So, there it is. The unpretty.


Tesha said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

First of all thank you so much!!! Thank you for letting us in on the not so pretty. You are beautiful and live a beautiful life to see all of it is so inspiring! I can so relate to your felling. When we left for a family vacation I was very distressed about leaving Jonathan's urn here. I was like what if the house burns down? At the same time if we took it, what if it got lost? I was a unpretty:) mess also. I am blessed to read this and know I am not alone and the unpretty make you that much more beautiful! Praying you have a easy peaceful move.

Kristy said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I've thought of that too and freaked out and we aren't moving:) Thanks for sharing. Praying as you embark on this new journey and finding peace in the complicated.

My name is Heather. said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

oh goodness. i'm downright ugly then. i would feel the same way. in fact i told my husband we can never move because that's the home that we brought our children home too, and have all the memorabilia around. just stuff, i know, but to me it's so much more. i would just hold the urn in my lap til we arrived at the destination, and then put the urn on the dresser or side table until you found a new spot in your new home for the urn. though buckling the urn in may sound ridiculous to the average person, it doesn't sound ridiculous to me. i still kiss my children's urns nightly. i run my fingers over their footprint molds before i go to bed. i know they aren't there. they aren't feeling those kisses on their cheeks, but it helps me. it makes me feel better and like i still can tough them. sort of. it probably looks ridiculous to the "outside" world, and i know my husband doesn't know i do that. he's more practical, though the most supportive guy i know as well. prayers for you as you make this move and continue to not only pack up things, but memories as well.

Page said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I think this is kind of on the same lines, but when you mention grief striking at unknown times, it rings true for me. I've found myself in the past couple of months getting depressed for several days (like, don't want to get out of bed) and then, when I think I'm at my lowest I'll end up having a good cry about Micah. The next day, I feel so much better! I finally realized this pattern a few weeks ago and vowed to just take some private time when I start to feel that way and just CRY and talk to God. It's so amazing to me how much better that makes me feel.
On a side note, we plan on moving in the next year or two and I'm already trying to gear myself up to handle moving from the place where we've had so many beautiful and intense experiences. Praying for an easy move and building process for you!

Megan said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I have no idea what you are going through, but I have said some prayers that you will do what is right for you and your Cole. The unpretty is the real part, and to me, that is the most beautiful.

Daddy's Dream ~Mommy's Miracle said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

well said...and I don't think it is odd at all!

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