Saturday, September 20, 2014

Behind Every Smile, There Lies a Story...

Time Heals All Wounds. Or so they tell me. Every year September 17th should get easier. It should get easier because, after all, time heals all wounds. Right? RIGHT?

Let me tell you. I do not believe time will heal me. I think time definitely makes the day-to-day easier. But healing. I just don't know.

From the moment I woke up, until the moment I laid my head on my pillow to go to sleep, I was sad about Cole's birthday. Undeniably broken-hearted. I tried to laugh. And I did. I tried to take my mind off of everything by engaging with my friends. And I did. But, still, all day I felt on the edge of a breakdown. It just goes to show: You absolutely never know what a person is going through. I often forget that behind every smile, everyone is fighting their own battles. And I'm no different.

In so many ways, the day-to-day is so much better. I rarely cry about Cole or the memories lost, because my life is so full with things to feel grateful over. And, let me just say for one minute - I am blessed. I have so much to smile and laugh about. Every day.

But, his birthday, for me, is different. He doesn't get phone calls from my family wanting to sing to him; he doesn't get birthday parties planned in his honor; he doesn't get adorable texts wanting to wish him a wonderful day. And that's hard. For me. The more time passes, the harder it gets for me because people move on. And I get it. I swear I do. I wonder how many anniversaries and birthdays I haven't acknowledged for my friends who were grieving. I am certain I have missed plenty.

This year, for the first time ever, I went to work. That had it's own challenges. Then, for the first year ever, aside from one text from Jen and a card from Jeanne, no one mentioned it. I want to be very clear. I love all my friends and family and it isn't their job to keep track of the days I might be sad. It's not their responsibility at all. I only mention it to give an insight into the reminder we all need - that you never know what someone is going through.

Really there's nothing left to be said about September 17th for me that hasn't already been said. My heart is broken. Four years ago, I eagerly awaited the nurse to wrap up my second child and hand him over to me. I held my precious son in my arms and tried, desperately, to memorize every single thing about him. His cheeks; his nose; his precious five fingers and toes. I smiled at the beautiful clothes that some very sweet women had sewed just for tiny babies like him. I held him up to my face to feel the warmth I knew I'd never feel again. I cried and cried over him. I rocked him in my arms and sobbed some more. I cried to my husband that it wasn't fair we had to decide when to let him go. I literally gasped for air as the nurse came and took my son out of my arms and walked him away, saying, "Okay sweetheart. It is time to go." I cried even more when we arrived at the funeral home and were asked to pick an urn for him on a designated shelf for babies his size. I sobbed the first night after we received his ashes and had him in the house, home with us for the very first time. Tears streamed down my face as I read the obituary we wrote for him in our local newspaper...
And tears stream down my face as I type this out. There's nothing left to say.

Happy fourth birthday, my sweet sweet boy. It may be sad for us here on earth, but I know it is a celebration for you, my little love.

6 comments:

J Howard said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

I started the week meaning to ask you if you wanted a cake. Then I forgot to actually text you. I got sick thereafter, so I doubt you would have wanted me to be baking anyway...and my brain broke..and then I saw you post about Cole's birthday and I felt like an ass.
I think of him whenever I see his name. Sometimes my heart cries for your pain, and sometimes I smile knowing you, Mr. Howard and your 3 earth babies have an amazing angel watching over you all. Always know he is never forgotten. He touched lives near and far. You've helped so many mama's who have had to travel this journey, from back then with you...to even now. Hugs and love to you guys.

J Howard said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Oh my goodness, friend. Seriously. I know you think of him! You're always texting photos of his name and remembering him! Trust me. I am SO unbelievably appreciative of how much he is remembered and honored by you!! I am so blessed to have you in my life!!!

J Howard said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Every Summer in honor of my friends daughter Alexandria who passed on hours after being born my friend hosts a gathering with a cake. Its their way of honoring their little angel. I think it helps them heal and honor their little angel.

J Howard said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Such a sweet way to honor her!! I love that!!

J Howard said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

Such a beautiful sweet post! I agree time does not heal all but it gets easier somehow. You are a good mommy and it is obvious that you love ALL your kids with all your heart. Happy Belated Birthday to your sweet Cole!

J Howard said... Best Blogger Tips[Reply to comment]Best Blogger Templates

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